Getting The Best From Your Lawyer

The Department for Constitutional Affairs has issued a press release called "Getting the best from your lawyer: 7 steps to a better deal". This guide is aimed at people instructing a solicitor and paying for those services. My work is generally funded by legal aid but if my Clients were to go through the 7 steps they are likely to come up with the following answers:

1. What will the legal adviser do for me?

Anything I ask him. Hopefully he will get me out of the Police Station on bail, but if he can't do that he should be able to get me bail at the Magistrates Court. He can then defend me with whatever rubbish I tell him so that I can be found not guilty despite the usually compelling evidence that suggests I am guilty.

2. How much will this legal adviser cost me compared with others?

Cost? What's that? I thought that was all done on legal aid. I'm on benefits you know.

3. What do I get for my money?

Usually fags and booze, occasionally I'll get some coke - and if things are really bad I might get some crack with my cash. Usually I don't need money because shoplifting is easy enough, and hey, what you can take for free doesn't cost me any money.

4. How often has the legal adviser handled this type of work?

Too many times, in fact I am wondering why he is always down the Police Station or Magistrates Court - he doesn't seem to know any other kind of work. When will he become a barrister?

5. How long will it take for the transaction to be completed?

Transaction? What? A drug deal - no, not me mate.

6. What can I do if something goes wrong, or I am not satisfied with the service provided?

I'll transfer if I don't get what I want. If I don't get bail, or I don't get some fags or tobacco off my brief I might go elsewhere to another firm. Getting a conviction or being sent down is not a problem, I just need my tobacco.

7. Have I got a good deal?

As long as I don't get convicted of the offence that I have been charged with I will have got a result, even if it just being convicted of a lesser offence.